The Peaceful Dinner (and Other Myths)

  There’s nothing like sitting down to a piping hot, freshly prepared dinner after a long day, and enjoying a quiet and peaceful meal. Or so the legend goes.

  These days, I have difficulty believing that such a thing as a relaxing meal exists. First off, there is the surprising fact that despite our incredible good looks and amazing talents, my wife and I both need to work full time jobs in order to make ends meet. This means that by the time we get the kids picked up and dinner prepared, we are already fairly worn out.

  After a hard day at work followed by us frantically slaving over a hot stove, we are usually rewarded for our efforts by hearing someone say one of the following heartwarming phrases that make all our hard work in the kitchen worthwhile:

• I don’t like this

• This is yucky

• I don’t want this

• What is this? (said with a facial expression normally reserved for when you are handling a dead skunk, possibly one dipped in radioactive waste.)

  Apparently some of our kids have taste buds in their eyeballs, because they can instantly tell they are going to hate certain foods that they have never tried before, merely by looking at them.

  Once the crying, screaming and complaining slows down enough for everyone to sit down and say the blessing (which is often another adventure in itself), we can start to eat. Incidentally, we have discovered a little trick for when one of your young children has difficulty going to the bathroom. The surest way to make them need to go potty is to sit down in front of your hot meal and get ready to take the first bite. Sure as anything, someone will jump up and run to the bathroom in a panic, yelling that they need Mommy or Daddy’s help.

  While our dinner is cooling as someone is away in the bathroom, it seems that the girls’ utensils are somehow heating up to scalding temperatures. I assume this to be the case because they seem to drop forks on the ground like they are on fire. One after the other, even as they are quickly being replaced with clean ones. I suppose another possible explanation could be that they like to pretend their utensils are people who are flying, or jumping, or taking a bath in their ketchup, hence they get slippery and airborne.

  As a parent, you will often hear yourself saying the strangest things. For instance, I have had to explain to one of my daughters that ranch dressing is not the same thing as suntan lotion, and besides, it wasn’t sunny inside the kitchen therefore she didn’t need to be applying any during dinner.

  Another strange phenomenon is that our childrens' bottoms and their chairs are like the opposite ends of a magnet. They repel each other. Speaking of chairs, theirs seem to float around like they are pucks on an air hockey table. There is a constant battle to keep their seats close enough to the table for them to feel comfortable. Judging from the way they keep asking to be scooted in, I think they would prefer to be sitting on the table itself.

  Our children seem to think that our kitchen is the size of a football field. Firstly, they find nothing wrong with tossing flammable toys back and forth over the hot burners. They seem to have forgotten how easy it is for something like, say, a homework paper to fall into the oven and catch fire (not that they’ve ever seen their Daddy do that or anything.) Secondly, they seem to have the impression that everyone else at the table is 100 yards away, and they need to shout to be heard.

  Sometimes when a napkin is temporarily unavailable, a sleeve will do. Any sleeve, it doesn’t have to be your own. Nice dress clothes are also particularly absorbent. Ask our kids.

  At least no dinners at our house are ever boring. People who have been present during meals always seem amused. Our kids say and do things that you can’t help but laugh about, as you wring the spilled Kool-aid out of your shirt. Since every meal is like this, we have learned a few things.

1) Always have anywhere between 30 to 40 clean forks and spoons handy at any given meal; 2) Always wear a full-length protective smock to the table; and finally 3) Don’t wait until it’s too late to have the dreaded “ranch is not suntan lotion” discussion with your children because you really don’t want them hearing about that sort of thing from kids at school. You may want to go over how ketchup is not lipstick or shampoo while you’re at it.